The fuzzy line between entitlement and trust

I shed my first tears about the current situation today &, whilst I'm sure they wont be the last, it had me thinking about the fuzzy line between entitlement & trust.

The tears came as I read Sainsbury's Chief Executive Mike Coupe email as he told what they were doing to safeguard access to provisions for the vulnerable at this time - which includes my mother & her partner.

Are we entitled to this service, or should we trust them to do their best?

Social media this week has been full of anger & frustration aimed at the supermarkets from a position of entitlement.

An entitlement based on what ever it is someone wants, what ever the time of day, & what ever the circumstances they expect to have their immediate & stockpiling needs met.

And yet, at times like these, entitlement seems such a waste.

A waste of time in which we all could be doing something more constructive.

A waste of energy our body needs to boost the immune system.

A waste of precious mental resilience.

In unprecedented & constantly changing times we have to trust that everyone is doing their best, using what ever their expertise to the fullest for the good of everyone.

We all rely on others - others rely on us - it's not an entitlement.

Be someone others can rely on, and trust that others will do the same.

#youcanrelyonme 

Is your language clear?

Would you know what the words "Trust and Respect each other" meant?

Would this image cover it, or would another image come to mind?

"Trust and respect each other" was one of Tesco's values I shared in yesterday's blog about business values. I don't share it here to reflect on their values - it's just such a great example of how we use words and believe it's clear what we mean.

In training sessions I often use the word chocolate as a means of making the point, that we don't all have common agreement about what chocolate means, never mind more contentious words such as procurement, trust and respect,

Let's work backwards on the value to explain what I mean.

"Each other"

Do they mean just between Tesco employees? Where trust and respect go out of the window for shareholders, suppliers and customers? Or do they include customers in the mix, but perhaps exclude suppliers?

Yesterday I shared Ben & Jerry's values and it was much clearer from the language they used that trust and respect would include: "suppliers, employees, farmers, franchisees, customers, and neighbors" because they've been explicitly stated.

Do you get a sense of how easy it is for misunderstandings to arise. After all I can hear the person who developed Tesco's values shouting "Of course it just means x - why would it mean y?"

The next 2 words in the statement are nominalisations, and not verbs. Each person reading this will, therefore, have a different definition about what the word means. The degree of energy you put into even discussing their meaning will depend on where they appear on your own hierarchy of values.

"Respect"

Lack of respect is something that crops up in many coaching sessions, and yet its definition is as varied as those attending the sessions. It's lack might include:

• Not returning calls 
• Not saying thank you 
• Not treating the person as you yourself would would wish to be treated
• Not abusing or bullying the other person (although again these are words where one behaviour might be seen to be bullying by one person, and not by another. The general rule is if the person on the receiving end considers it to be abusive behaviour then it is.)
• Not turning up on time
• Dismissing and trivial anything the other person feels strongly about 
• Talking over others
• Not offering a drink when in their office for a meeting
• Working through lunch
• Only talking about themselves
• Not asking about the other person's ill partner or child
• Not allowing any time for rapport building and getting to know each other before a meeting starts 
• Expecting responses from emails at night or weekends
• Not listening to other's opinions
• Not honouring boundaries that have been set
• Cancelling at short notice
• Sending urgent emails at 1700 on a Friday with a 0900 Monday deadline for a response
• Paying less than it costs to provide the service
• Lying or dishonesty (if there's even a difference between the two) 
• Reneging on contract terms already agreed and signed
• and so on

One or many of these, or other examples, may apply for there to be a lack of respect in the eyes of the beholder. Even if the other person has a 'reason' for their behaviour that is, in their opinion, justified, and certainly NOT a sign of disrespect, and would be mortified if anyone suggested they were showing a lack of respect.

Difficult to ensure then that when using such words in values statements that there's a clear agreement by everyone about what behaviours are expected. Yes many values statements have a list of behaviours that aim to show what is meant - I suspect in many cases it wouldn't go to the detail listed above.   

It's not just values statements though where lack of respect might be mentioned. I'm sure it's something often said in contract and relationship management meetings between buyers/suppliers. Without a clear agreement of what is, and isn't, expected it's very easy I'd suggest to disrespect someone without intending to. 

"Trust"

Lack of trust will have has the same infinite list of behaviours that some would define lack of trust as being.

• Mari Sako differentiated between contractual, competence and goodwill trust
• In The Speed of Trust Stephen M R Covey differentiated between personal and relationship trust
• Stephen M R Cover also provided 13 behaviours that were needed to develop trust between 2 parties:

• Talk straight
• Demonstrate respect
• Create transparency
• Right wrongs
• Show loyalty
• Deliver results
• Get better
• Confront reality 
• Clarify expectations
• Practise accountability 
• Listen first
• Keep commitments
• Extend Trust 

Each behaviour in their own right an opportunity for disagreement over what is, and isn't required.

Is your communication clear, and do misunderstandings arise because of the lack of clarity?

Alison Smith
The Purchasing Coach
Inspiring change inside and out

A previous post considered the different definitions for honesty.

Don't die with your music still in you

Celebrities die every week and I can be sad for the loss of the life of someone who had made a difference in the world, and of course for a family who has lost someone close to them. 

At the end of August the news that Wayne Dyer had died had a very profound impact on me - not a day has gone by since hearing the news that I have not reflected on the consequences of his teachings on my life. The same can be said for many others impacted by his life - if my Facebook feed is anything to go by anyway.

Hay house have reduced the price of all his books and as a result I'm reading one of the few books I didn't already own, and written with his daughter, entitled "Don't die with the music still in you" (for me Wayne died having sung every tune within him, and has now passed the baton on to us all to make our own music). 

As I thought about sharing what I'd learnt from Wayne, and who I had become as a result, I found out that parliament are meeting to discuss the merits of starting the journey towards assisted dying here in the UK. Whilst I don't know what Wayne felt about assisted dying I know that his teachings would add to the debate and for me (with my beliefs and attachments *) include:

• "We are not our bodies, our possessions or our careers" - which I wish those on the BA flight earlier this week, taking their wheelie bags down the emergency chute, would have realised too.
• "I have not died - I'm just in another room."

Which counter a culture where death of the body is seen as something to be avoided at any and all costs - even if it means forcing others to hang on by their fingers nails. Or where the body is repaired time and time again because we can, because it's physically possible - ignoring the impact on the mind, heart and soul. As if the body has a higher priority than mind, heart and soul?

• Compassion for self and others
• Respect for self and others 
• Love, honour and acceptance
• Trust and listen to your intuition

These, to me, support the reminder I've had during my CPD coaching training this summer - we can't hope to tell anyone what to do only hold the space for them to make the right decision for themselves. As soon as we're attached to an outcome for another we're not respecting that person's right to decide. If we impose our opinion on another as their fact we make it more about us than them. We're not being compassionate, we're telling someone what we'd do in that situation, and stating it as fact, and that's tantamount to bullying.

When a friend made the decision to have no more treatment for cancer I was surprised at how many people's responses were, it seemed to me, more about their loss than hers. They tried to persuade her of the error of her ways rather than love, honour and accept her decision, and support her through a very difficult time and last few months. I dealt with my feelings outside the room, and when in the room with her listened and gave her what she asked for.

I would not wish to stop someone living, but neither would I wish to stop someone dying (with the caveats that their current conditions can not be improved, and they're not making the decision from obligation, shoulds, oughts, musts or under duress).

• If we squeeze an orange we will always get orange juice 

Much of the reasoning for not allowing assisted dying presupposes evil or wrong doing of others and society. If you expect and look for evil and hate in the world I'm sad that's the world you see, experience and are. When I squeeze the world I see love and compassion - even if it's a challenge every day to accept my personal responsibility for that because:

• You can't give away what you don't have

Wayne is one of a few speakers (Caroline Myss is another) who have been at my side throughout the last 15 years, since I started my self development and yes spiritual journey. I would not be who I am today if they had not posed the questions for me to answer and explore. I would not be who I am today if they had not challenged my thinking and behaviours. This blog would not be what it is if not for them and other writers, speakers and teachers.

I love you Wayne, and know we will hear your music for years and decades to come. Thank you for being you and walking the talk, and making a difference in mine and other's lives by letting your music be heard and encouraging us to walk our talk.

With love

Alison 

* Here's a blog I wrote on the subject of assisted dying last year entitled - the science fiction Armageddon where the robots take over is here. 

From the perspective of Wayne's teachings I suspect it's a little too angry, too preachy and not unattached to the outcome enough. I'm unsure I managed much better in this blog. I also worry that it uses his words in a way he wouldn't have wished them to be used.

In response to my self criticism I can hear Wayne say, with much compassion, "We're all work in progress Alison. Trust that noticing is the first step to continuing this journey, and know that what you say is an expression of how you feel today. I AM Wayne".

Slopey shoulders

Practicing accountability is one of 13 behaviours identified in Stephen MR Covey's book, The Speed of Trust, that is needed to develop and maintain relationship trust. The other 12 behaviours were included in my blog post on Trust last week, with Straight talking being covered last week.

Accountability is about taking responsibility or ownership for an issue. The above jigsaw piece was one of 96 pieces issued with our procurement team's objectives engraved on them, and handed out to each team member. One of the aims of doing this was to foster accountability and taking responsibility within the team. 

What we get when people avoid taking accountability or responsibility is "slopey shoulder syndrome"! 

My rant the other week was aimed at those with slopey shoulders when faced with bullying, dishonesty and other unacceptable business behaviours. 

Today I'd like to address slopey shouldered behaviour when it's simply "not my job guv." After all I suspect many of the horror stories of procurement gone wrong arose from slopey shouldered syndrome. 

A friend and I were discussing our tendency to see the bigger picture, and to do what needs to be done to solve a problem for a customer/client. Despite others we work with suggesting its either not our job, or such commitment will be a rod for our own back and we're best not to go the extra mile. 

We came up with a number of excuses given:

• "It's not my job" - unless you can tell me whose it is and that they know about the problem then it will simply continue to be a problem 
• "It's not in my objectives" - I've never yet worked anywhere where everything needing to be done in the year is known when the objectives are set. That said a culture where many managers hide behind this excuse, when giving poor performance at appraisal time etc, can foster such behaviours 
• "It's the responsibility of someone more senior" - do they know?
• "It's the responsibility of someone more junior" - do they know?
• "It's not my responsibility to tell anyone there's a problem" - so whose is it?
• "No one showed me what to do" - have you raised this with anyone?
• "It's been like this for months/years" - have you raised this with anyone?
• "If we do a good job now they'll take advantage in the future"
• "If we do good job now they'll expect the same in the future"
• Any others you can think of? 

Of course we never believe ourselves to be slopey shouldered - I'm certainly writing this feeling I'm somehow exempt, and I wonder if you're feeling the same?

The likelihood is that there will be things we all get slopey shouldered about especially when managing others or working in a team. Self awareness is about understanding if we are developing such a tendency, then deciding whether that's acceptable, or unpicking the reasons for doing it in this situation. This will ensure we don't become Mr or Miss Slopey shoulder for ever and continue to take responsibility for sorting out problems. 

I think this is such a key component to developing trust. If someone goes out of their way to get something done, irrespective of whose job it is, then they will be trusted to do the same in the future. You're hardly likely to want to trust someone with a task if evidence points to them dropping it at the first sign of trouble, and/or pointing their finger at others saying "it was their fault not mine", just like we did as children.

Alison Smith

Inspiring change inside and out - when what you're doing isn't working

Relationship Trust: talk straight

Straight talking is one of 13 behaviours, Stephen M R Covey identified in his book The Speed of Trust, as being needed to develop and maintain relationship trust. The other 12 behaviours were included in my blog post on Trust last week and a number of these will be covered in future blog posts this month.

Before reading further consider the following questions:

• What does straight talking mean to you?
• What does it look and sound like?
• What is it's opposite?
• How do you react to it?
• How do you react to its opposite?
• How often do you demonstrate straight talking?
• When might you not talk straight and why?
• Can you understand how straight talking might help develop trust?
• Do you see trust as a positive thing?

I can't help but feel our relationship to trust will determine whether we talk straight or not. That is if we don't consider trust to be a positive thing then straight talking isn't necessary.

Before reading further please be aware my own preferences and beliefs will certainly be impacting the words used and judgements made in this post today :-).

For me your view of trust comes down to what camp you're in:

• Abundance, cooperation and growth - ie trust is positive
• Fear, competition and survival of the fittest - ie trust is negative

As I wrote the above list I did wonder if it's something to do with people getting stuck lower down Maslow's hierarchy of needs than perhaps they need to be? (Just a thought!)

If any situation is seen as survival of the fittest then information is power and you're not going to share it unless you believe sharing it will be of positive use to you. Generally you'll also over exaggerate the value of the information and just keep quiet.

The issue, as I see it anyway, is how can you possibly understand what value the information you have might be to the other party, to the relationship or eventually to your goals being achieved.

I recently provided a supplier with feedback about one of their representatives rubbing one of the buyer's managers up the wrong way. I hadn't seen the behaviour myself so didn't know it to be a problem. They thanked me, took appropriate action, and as a result the relationship between both individuals improved greatly.

When they thanked me for the second time I asked why they felt it was note worthy that I had said anything. They said buyers usually foung it easier not to say anything - perhaps thinking it's not their job or even thinking they're doing the supplier's job for them! We're certainly on a spiral downwards if we think we're each responsible for only certain aspects of a relationship.

Straight talking in a relationship is doing what I did, putting aside whose job I think it is, or how the information may or may not be accepted, and just saying it as it is.

Straight talking is a little like putting a jigsaw together with someone when you can only see your own pieces. You're both reliant on the other party(ies) speaking up when they can help. It's no use one party deciding to start with the edges, or the other starting with the water, unless you show each other what pieces you have to help them finish that element. (I won't start on 'you show me yours before I show you mine' school boy antics as I prefer to work on the premise that someone is trustworthy until they prove otherwise not the other way round.)

What jigsaw pieces are you holding back and how might it be completed quicker and more effectively if you shared a little more of them with the other side?

Alison Smith
Inspiring change inside and out - when what you're doing isn't working

See here for origin of Image.

Although talk of jigsaw pieces reminded me of our use of jigsaw pieces to bring the organisation's procurement strategy alive for the year - with each of us owning a different piece and sharing and swapping them at meetings.

Trust is in the eye of the beholder

I remember having a conversation with a colleague 6 months after the Halifax merged with the Bank of Scotland.

"You meant everything you said when we merged" they said to me.

I was a little taken aback - of course I meant everything I said - why wouldn't I and, perhaps the biggest surprise for me at the time, why wouldn't they have believed me.

At some level their response says more about the culture they were in at the time than is does me. However it also demonstrates that trust takes time to build.

We might know ourselves to be trustworthy but how do we demonstrate it to those we work with and those we wish to influence - whether internally or externally.

In Stephen MR Covey's The speed of trust he believes 'self trust' is needed before we jump into trying to achieve 'relationship trust'. Which of course makes sense - we have to be credible before we can expect others to trust us.

Self Trust

Covey identifies 4 keys of credibility that can be categorised into credibility of Character and credibility of Competence.

Integrity

• Make and keep commitments to yourself
• Stand for something
• Be open

Intent

• Examine and refine your motives
• Declare your intent
• Choose abundance (perhaps more of this on a future blog)

Capabilities (Talents, Attitudes, Skills, Knowledge, Style)

• Run with your strengths
• Keep yourself relevant (perhaps something I could learn for my blogs :-))
• Know where you're going

Results (Track record) (one I consistently forget to convey to others - although I have updated my linkedin profile to try to address this :-))

• Take responsibility for results
• Expect to win
• Finish Strong

Relationship Trust

Covey identified 13 behaviours * needed to develop and maintain relationship trust. As you read through the list how many of these may be contributing to your lack of influence with those you're currently working with?

• Talk straight
• Demonstrate respect
• Create transparency
• Right wrongs
• Show loyalty
• Deliver results
• Get better
• Confront reality (wonder if you can do this too much - see latest rant on confronting unacceptable behaviour in business!)
• Clarify expectations
• Practise accountability (blog to follow on slopey shoulders)
• Listen first
• Keep commitments
• Extend Trust 

In those first 6 months of the Halifax/Bank of Scotland merger I certainly believe I demonstrated the 13 behaviours. I wonder however if I'd spent a little more time building and demonstrating my creditably earlier on if it would have been any easier?

Trust is often seen as something you either have or don't have and forget that it's in the eye of the beholder, and therefore more action is sometimes required to demonstrate our trustworthiness to others.

What about you - any ah-ha moments?

Alison Smith
Inspiring change inside and out and demonstrating trustworthiness in all that I do

* This has been a very academic (for me anyway) statement of Covey's model. Whilst this week's blogs will be expanding on the subtleties of influencing blog, in November I will bring alive the 13 behaviours mentioned above using good, and not so good, real life examples. Any contributions most welcome alison@thepurchasingcoach.co.uk