Language to improve Rapport

Unlike the language used to improve understanding by undistorting, ungeneralising and undeleting, as discussed in a previous post, there's also 'softer' language patterns that supports rapport and reduces the barriers others can put up when we're communicating with them. It's not often used in business and does have to be used carefully and may not work in certain cultures. For example recent trips to Denmark have highlighted my need to avoid this sort of 'woolly' language when dealing with clients there.

However it can be very useful especially for those perhaps more likely to reply with "Don't tell me what to do" to statements of intent such as:

• We must go with supplier X
• Listen to what David has to say
• Make these amendments

Use of Miltonian language can help keep the barriers down and keep the option to agree open. So what about trying:

• I think the solution is to go with supplier X.
• I wonder what difference listening to David will have
• Can you just make these amendments

These simple additions just give the other person more choice about how they think and act and may therefore ensure they keep listening to what you're saying. Which of course will increase the likelihood of mutual understanding and potential agreement.

Next time you're asking someone to do something why not simply add in "Just" "I think" or "I wonder" and notice what you notice.

Alison Smith
The Purchasing Coach
Sowing the seeds for effective communication with stakeholders

PS: One other Miltonian pattern that I find very very useful is if someone is stuck is saying:

• you may find the solution whilst you go for lunch or
• you may find the solution today or later this week

Either way you're presupposing they find the solution and their mind will do its best to support that.

This post is part of a series introducing some NLP tools and techniques that can significantly improve your stakeholder engagement, communication and team working.

Source: smartlemming.com via Alison on Pinterest

Language that improves understanding

In order to communicate to anyone we delete, distort or generalise in order to give them a condensed map of our thoughts, feelings or memories. We have to otherwise we'd be there all day just asking someone if we could have a cup of tea? That is we have to assume they we have common understanding about what a cup is and what tea is - even if anyone expecting english tea can be a little suprised when they get peppermint tea. 

The issue of course with condensing meaning is that can lead to miscommunciation - with assumptions being made about what we meant by the few words we did choose to use. I remember having a disagreement with a colleague once where she was telling me what I wanted to do was "wrong." I just couldn't understand why we weren't in agreement because normally we were. So I said "currently there's something missing from my understanding of the situation because I don't understand why you think it's wrong - tell me more - what am I missing?"   

Effective communication therefore requires us to ask questions to expand our understanding of someone else's map to:

• change meanings (undistort)
• retrieve information (undelete)
• expand limits (ungeneralise)

In other words we ask open questions - what, how, when, who, where, which, whose etc.

If we can determine whether someone is generalising, deleting or distorting it will impact the type of questions we ask - such as:

Distortions:
"His voice irritates me" - how does his voice cause you to be irritated?
"Taking calls in a meetings means you don't respect me" - have you ever taken a call in a meeting without it meaning you didn't respect the person?

Deletions
"He's a better purchaser" - who is, better than who?
"They don't understand" - who doesn't?

Generalisations
"No-one knows what's going on" - what no-one?
"I must do this report" - what would happen if you didn't?

Next time you're just about to react to what someone has said why not ask a few more questions to check understanding - you might just be surprised.

Alison Smith
The Purchasing Coach
Sowing the seeds for effective stakeholder engagement

This post is part of a series introducing some NLP tools and techniques that can significantly improve your stakeholder engagement, communication and team working.

Source: colourbox.com via Alison on Pinterest

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